Odunayo Bolarinwa
There are some great articles on the web that can give you information about what signs to look for to tell you if your parent needs more help. Common items are:
Difficulty with Activities of Daily Living (often referred to as ADLs)
Cooking
Bathing
Home maintenance and cleaning
Running errands
Frequent Falls
Driving difficulty
Look for dings on the car
Traffic violations
Limiting driving – if this is unusual
Social Isolation
Forgetfulness
Missed appointments
Getting lost
Trouble recalling routines
Not taking medications properly
Emergency room visits or increase in frequency
Money management issues – if this is out of the ordinary
Missed bills
Missing money
The Changes are the Key!
We can all be forgetful or go through periods of withdrawal, or fall or any of the above things. But it is the change in behavior, change in patterns that is the key. And as we age, it is normal and natural that some things take more time or effort. My grandfather who lived to be 99 once told me, “My decades are starting to blend together.”
I get that!
So pay attention and start noticing. Look for patterns, and look for changes in patterns of behavior. Be aware that new patterns or behaviors are not in and of themselves harmful or suspicious, however. Change is also a good thing. Learning new things is great for our brains, after all. But consider if the change is enhancing everyday life, or limiting it. Is the change to avoid a necessary or vital activity, such as socializing, or is it detracting from it?
You May Not Be the First to Notice
Also – you may not be the best person to notice. Sorry to tell you this, but you may be biased and make excuses for your parent. You aren’t biased because you are stupid or unable to make good judgments. You may be a bit biased due to confirmation bias.
What’s confirmation bias? That’s when we are directly influenced by the desire of our beliefs. We want something to be true, or we don’t want it to be true.
So when we have a lot at stake emotionally – like with our kids or with our parents or other loved ones – we don’t always see what others see. We see what our desires want us to see, and we don’t see what doesn’t match our desires. We may actually be in denial because we don’t want to see it.
Again – not because we are stupid. It’s because we are human.
So what can we do?
Seek Feedback
I suggest talking to others. Talk to siblings, if this is productive. But also talk to others who are not as emotionally attached. Talk to neighbors. Not gossiping, but check in with them. Get to know friends of your parents, and maybe ask if they notice anything out of the ordinary. Let them know you are willing to hear from them. People want to help others.
More than we think, really. But a lot of people stand on ceremony and consider talking to an adult child of a neighbor as being unfaithful to their friend. They might feel it is “not their place.” Let them know you care about your parent, and that they can call you if they are aware of emergencies and other concerns.
Do your parents have regular cleaners or hired help? If it is a service and different people come each time, then these are the people to ask. But if your parent has a weekly or monthly cleaner, this person will likely notice changes in needs.
If your parent has a long-term health insurance plan this may be paid for under the plan. Check with your parent’s doctor – a physician may be able to give you some information about services within the medical plan, or direct you to who might know more.
There are more and more people heading to this profession. Also, search for Healthcare Advocate – these professionals can also lend support and guidance.
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