Odunayo Bolarinwa
One of the most difficult things to deal with in a marriage is arguments. Despite the fact that getting your feelings out in the open (even if it is in a heated discussion) can be productive, many of these situations turn into senseless arguing where couples trade hurtful and unhelpful remarks.
Typically, it is these scenarios which are the most difficult to get over as it leaves you feeling a mixture of guilt, resentment and lack of acknowledgment. It is these confrontations which we need to examine more closely and establish how they occur in the first place.
When having an argument with your spouse (or anyone for that matter) it isn’t uncommon for there to be a world of difference between what we are thinking and feeling, and what we have said. It’s not always an easy thing to express, especially when you feel agitated. As a result of this, there is plenty of room for misinterpretation. So you what you find is that instead of establish the core issue, we often move further away from it!
There are those who find it difficult to establish what is wrong with the relationship, but know to a degree that there is something missing. Whilst others have a clearer idea of where the marriage has gone wrong but refuse to take any responsibility. The result of this is creating distance and a lack of understanding. This is usually the stage where partners start to consider divorce.
A lot of couples separate because they are unable to share with each what they feel. For whatever reason, the things that we communicate aren’t necessarily what we are thinking. Instead tackling the core issues head on (which let’s face it, isn’t always easy) we turn away from each other to avoid another blazing row.
As strange as this may sound, arguing becomes addictive and turns into the primary way in which we communicate. Clearly when two people get to this stage, they are no longer interested in resolving issues.
Until these two people can find a way of respecting each other and taking on board what they both say, then little progress will be made.
Although dealing with the most immediate issues and making living together more comfortable has value, this won’t necessarily result in a permanent fix; the problems that you and your partner have will still exist and be bought up in potential future and needless argument.
So, how do you put this stage of your marriage behind you? The answer is two-fold; you start by being completely and utterly open with your spouse about what you find difficult and upsets you. This may be challenging if you have gotten used to being defensive, but as you start to communicate this way, you will come to better a understanding yourself. The second aspect that needs to be worked on is both listening and asking the right questions.
Being receptive when your partner shares their feelings with you like this is paramount. Make a sincere effort to empathize with what they are saying and demonstrate that you took their comments on board by thanking them for doing so.
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